I Went To A Public Gym For The First Time – Here’s My Outsider Opinion

I failed to understand 5 key concepts, including how to stop the treadmill

My friend dragged me to Planet Fitness. She got into working out over the summer and needed a buddy. When she asked, I said no because I hate working out in public. I’d rather run into a glass door.

I wound up going anyway. I don’t know what happened butI think I was kidnapped. Or, I’m justan awesome friend whose love language is acts of service.Take your pick.

When I got there I didn’t have to pay. I’d like to think they didn’t see me cause I stood behind a literal bodybuilder. But it’s just as likely I looked so clueless stumbling in behind my friend asking what “rep” and a “PR” meant that they took pity on me and let me have a win for that night.

I actually didn’t mind the experience, but I have lots of observations as a first-time gym go-er that I took note of.Take note, Planet Fitness.

1. Things need directions

I’m not just talking about a map.

I mean every piece of equipment needs to have its name in bright yellow printed on the side of the machine along with pronunciation.I called the “erg” machine the “urge” machine and it gives a really different meaning to the equipment.Just saying.

Every piece of equipment needs a QR code with a video showing what you’re supposed to do on itplushow it operates.I’m pretty sure I broke a leg machine because I didn’t know how to add a ten-point weight to it.

I wasn’t sure if the bar I stuck it on was part of the machine or a coat hook.

2. Can we color-code everything

Where does my butt go on this machine? Where do I put my hands when I do legs?

I went between balancing my hands on my hips like a supermodel, leaving them slightly bent like a T-Rex’s, and putting them above my head like I was in a cool deodorant commercial.

At one point I held on to some random bench.I realized afterward it was the extra table the Girl Scout troop was using.

If we can just paint everything that my hands can hold onto bright pink, and everything my butt can sit on blue, that would be great.

3. I need a gym etiquette book

Where do I look?Can I smile at people?How close can I put my floor mat to someone doing jumping jacks versus someone doing a plank?

Most importantly can I mouth the lyrics to a song or is this distracting?I almost started a whole lip-synch battle with a woman on the treadmill.I thought we were having fun until I realized she was talking on the phone and I was awkwardly professing my love to her through Celine Dion’sMy Heart Will Go Onin the mirror.

I think the guy on the cycling machine was into it though, because he seemed to be saying the same lyrics. Or he could have been doing positive self-talk about his cardio.

“Near, far, wherever you are … My heart will go on and on” can have two very different meanings.

One is about a lover and the other is about your aortic valve.

4. A Knee Brace Makes You Look Cool

Any person working out while wearinganysort of brace automatically becomes a beacon of strength and bravery.Back, ankle, wrist. All of it.

When I walk on the Stairmaster, it’s an average sweaty climb at a below-average pace with too many pants in between each step. But when Greg with two knee braces does the same thing, it’s a testament to his character and a step forward in whatever injury he’s recovering from.

You immediately get street cred. Or, rather, gym cred.

5. Nobody Cares What You’re Doing

No, this is a good thing.I see now why everyone insists no one pays attention to anyone else in the gym.I get it now.

We’re all too busy working out to notice anything about other people working out. I wouldn’t have noticed if there was a literal proposal by the weightlifting section. I’d be too focused trying to figure out which button stops the elliptical.

Did the place just get robbed? I wouldn’t know.

Why? Because I’m trying to figure out how to make it look like I meant to dangle from the pull-up bar instead of accidentally getting lifted into the air like Dorothy’s house in a Kansas tornado because there was an extra two hundred pounds of weight on there that I didn’t realize would launch me into the ceiling fan.

I was hanging on for dear life and looking at the ceiling, so, no I didn’t see the five guys in ski masks smash the front window with a kettlebell and steal a cash register. I was BUSY.

It was a nice experience. I get the hype now and since it was free I really can’t complain. But I doubt I’d go back. My friend can’t force me to go again — Right?

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